For Chuck Norris Fans

[Gozlandog]

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.


Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.


There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.


Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.


When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."


Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.


If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.


Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.


When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.


Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.


Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".


Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.


Chuck Norris is strong enough to punch through steel, yet gentle enough to cradle a new born baby to sleep.


When Freddie Krueger has nightmares he dreams about Chuck Norris roundhousing him right out of his dream and into the real life so he can get roundhoused again and again til his head caves in.


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into the middle of next week. He then roundhouse kicked himself into the middle of next week, and roundhouse kicked the guy again.
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[KingJames]

LOL! Chuck Norris by the way is the new Dick Clark in that at 65 years old he doesn't look any different than he did at 40.

[Gozlandog]

It's the beard. Facial hair after the age of 55 makes you look younger.

Saun Connery, Robin Williams, Robert DeNero etc etc
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[KingJames]

Maybe but the hair on the top of his head is still thicker than mine and I am 25 years younger than he is.

[Gozlandog]

What can I say? At least you can switch channels when he comes on....
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[KingJames]

I actually enjoy his acting. I guess I am just jealous that an old guy looks that young. Speaking of hair. I just got some holiday pictures taken and I am actually considering Photoshopping the part of my head where my hair is getting thin.

[Gozlandog]

What about a 'rug'? I hear they really look real nowadays. Real human hair too....
Whatever you do - please no comb-over, its too painful for your friends and family
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[KingJames]

If money was no object, I would get surgery. The one I favor is the take about a 1 inch horizontal strip from the bottom back of your head and they transplant it to the front of your head. That would take care of those bald wings I seem to have growing on each side.

You know I think I am even jealous of the guys that are going bald on the back of their head. I mean while it is an eye sore for everyone else to look at... but when they look in the mirror what they see looks totally normal.

To give you some idea how my hair is starting to look think Vince McMahon of the WWE. No I don't think I will do a comb over. My hair looks stupid enough now as it is

[KingJames]

It looks like it is time to bring this thread back to life with this new link.

http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/story?id=2582517&page=1

[KingJames]

The thread that will not die. There are a few new ones here.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/09/17/poll_update/

[KingJames]

LOL! Here is another one.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/arash_markazi/09/25/norris.qanda/index.html

[KingJames]

Here is another one.

http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN2129580420071222