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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:27 am Reply with quote Back to top

This thread was taken from the old MHW Forums joke section. Since I was unable to save the forum database, I thought the least I could do was grab a few of the posts there to manually move over to seed this new one. Enjoy.


Last edited by JimAdkins on Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:32 am; edited 1 time in total 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:31 am Reply with quote Back to top

There was this guy (let's call him Sam) who was constantly harassed and belittled by his neighbor Joe. What made it even worse, he actually WAS better than Sam. If they both played golf and Sam shot par, Joe would shoot 4 under. If Sam told a joke, Joe told a funnier joke. All the "one-upmanship" was really getting on Sam's nerves, and he began to become obsessed about finding SOME way to beat Joe.

One day while walking along the beach, Sam stubbed his toe on some thing buried...yep, a magic lamp. When the Genie came out, he told Sam "I'll grant you three wishes. But, I must warn you - I am cursed. Whatever you wish for, your deepest, darkest enemy will receive two of whatever you ask for."

Sam couldn't believe his good fortune - and then despair set in. "You mean that if I ask for money, that guy Joe will get double?"

The Genie replied, "Yes. This is the nature of MY curse and it is unchangeable. However, you may still have three wishes for anything you want."

Sam thought and agonized for a while. "I'd like to start with a million dollars."

The Genie said, "Done - the money has already been credited to your bank account. But just to let you know, Joe bought an antique vase last year. It just fell over, and when it broke, an ancient Roman coin worth TWO million dollars was revealed. What is your second wish?"

This just tore Sam up inside. "I'd like an attractive, beautiful woman to be my wife."

The Genie replied, "Fine - done. One of your former high school cheerleaders will be calling you to organize a class reunion. She is recently divorced and has always liked you. All you have to do is ask and she will marry you. But, at lunch today, Joe will meet a blonde 22 year old recent Hawaiian Tropic Bikini contest winner. Her roommate is also a blonde swimsuit model and they share EVERYTHING. Now what is your third wish?"

Sam was REALLY disheartened about this recent wish. He hated Joe so much that he didn't know to do. It truly pained him to see Joe benefit from Sam's wishes! Finally after a few minutes, he had a thought...."Hey Genie - I now have decided on my third wish. Can you beat me half to death?"
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:35 am Reply with quote Back to top

At the end of the school year a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her class. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is; Flowers."

"That's right!" the boy said, "but, how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher replied.

The next student was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is; A box of sweets."

"That's right said the little girl, but how did you know?"

"Oh, I've been around for many years," said the teacher proudly.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held her package, but it was leaking so she grabbed a drop off the leaking contents with her finger and put it on her tongue for a taste test.

"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.

"NOPE," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leaking package. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"NO MAM," he replied, with even more excitement!

The teacher with all her knowledge finally took one more big taste before admitting, "I give up. What is it?"

With an giant grin the boy replied, “SURPRISE, It's a puppy!"
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:36 am Reply with quote Back to top

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about!
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age...
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:49 am Reply with quote Back to top

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green, when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f**kin' red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond asshole...
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:50 am Reply with quote Back to top

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called
after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." (Sure Sounds Like Me ! ! )

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:51 am Reply with quote Back to top

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:

5% said it was to get a glass of water
12% said it was to go to the toilet
83% said it was to go home
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:53 am Reply with quote Back to top

Top 11 Signs your ISP has given you up to the RIAA as a dangerous KaZaA user

11. All the files in your favorite MP3 play list are now "Lars Ulrich sings 'Feelings'"
10. Your KaZaA rating changes to "Defendant"
9. Eminem insults your mother in his next single
8. Recording Industry Association of America president Hillary Rosen sends you e-mail messages with embedded .wav files of heavy breathing
7. All the spam in your inbox is from Motion Picture Association CEO Jack Valenti
6. You get a bill retroactively charging you 99 cents per downloaded track. Total bill: $29,700
5. A Tommy Mottola screen saver suddenly pops up on your computer
4. Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer picket your home with signs that read, "Piracy don't pay my bills"
3. You receive a request from someone using outdated hacker wannabe slang claiming a friend said you could "hook me up" with the latest Snoop Dogg album
2. You suddenly have numerous songs from someone named Avril Lavigne
1. CD-shaped crop circles appear in your backyard
 
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JimAdkins
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Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:54 am Reply with quote Back to top

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN . . .

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
 
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JimAdkins
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Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:56 am Reply with quote Back to top

College professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of Lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:
"Red..................cherry",
"Yellow...............lemon",
"Green................lime",
"Orange...............orange".

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them For a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well, he said, I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!" For all parents to keep in mind....
 
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JimAdkins
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Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 10:59 am Reply with quote Back to top

Teaching a frog to cook!!!!!!!

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet. He showed her a "specially trained" bullfrog.

They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied....."If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!
 
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JimAdkins
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Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:01 am Reply with quote Back to top

Little Johnny's 3rd grade class was having a lesson on careers and discussing the various professions out there. The teacher asked each child what their dads did for a living.

One little girl raised her hand and said "My daddy is a doctor, he helps sick people get well."

A little boy raised his hand and said "My daddy is a dentist, he fixes peoples teeth."

Another girl said "My daddy is the District Attorney, he puts bad people in jail."

The teacher noticed little Johnny sitting quietly, so she asked him what his daddy did for a living.

Little Johnny said, "My daddy is a strip tease dancer in a gay nudie bar."

Shocked, and not wanting the discussion to go any further, the teacher interrupts Johnny and goes on with her lesson.

At recess the teacher comes up to little Johnny and asks "Does your daddy really work as a strip tease dancer in a gay nudie bar?"

Little Johnny says, "No; actually he runs a computer hardware web site and I was too ashamed to tell anyone."
 
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JimAdkins
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Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:02 am Reply with quote Back to top

A guy picks up this lady in a bar one evening. They go back to the guys bachelor apartment and have a few drinks. After a while they naturally move over to the bedroom. While undressing the lady sees rows and rows of shelves going round the room. On the lowest ones are small teddy bears, on the 2nd height are larger sized fluffy lambs and on the highest shelves she sees huge stuffed elephants. She thinks to herself, ain't he the cutest!!

After a 5 minute round of slap 'n tickle they both lean back smoking and the lady asks the guy: Bob, whats up with all those stuffed animals? Bob replies: Oh yeah, almost forgot, help yourself to a teddy bear from the lower shelf.
 
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JimAdkins
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Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:03 am Reply with quote Back to top

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WIVES

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like you when you stink.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.
 
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Posts: 41
Location: Louisville Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:04 am Reply with quote Back to top

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally Jon was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot, and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon, in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
 
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